Wednesday, March 31, 2010

All about Lesbians! Yay!!

Let’s face it, what do you really know about lesbians and being a lesbian if you’re not one yourself? I bet you ask yourself that a lot? If not you should cause it’s awfully interesting!
Well I am one! (If this comes as a shock then someone has not been paying attention...) So I thought I’d make a nice list of all the sub-sections of Lesbian-hood for you to peruse and maybe help explain a myth or two, free of charge! If nothing else it will make a great ice breaker at your next office party!

DYKE: Still sometimes considered a derogatory term often used by angry guys. It basically means, “Hey, you’re a chick that digs chicks and we’re bloody jealous ‘cause you’ve probably had more girls then we’ll ever have combined!”

BULL DYKE: is used to describe vicious, big, mean-looking women who look like they could snap your neck with a pinky finger. (Generally it’s not said to their faces though, for that particular reason...)

BUTCH: “Masculine” like, more stocky, short-haired woman are generally seen as butch. This is the one everyone most equates as being a gay woman. Straight folk do love to point out the first short haired, fat woman in a T-shirt and yell, “LESBIAN!” (Right till she turns around and they’re like, “Ooops, sorry mum!”)

STONE BUTCH: Appear very masculine, often cross dressing to extremes. They tend to prefer to be “Tops” and aren’t much into receiving sex.

BABY BUTCH: Often used for younger women who are trying to be butch. (18 – 21 yrs old is the norm). They’re often cocky but unsure of themselves and you just want to ruffle their hair and say, “Awww, ooo’s a cootie den?” (I should mention they’re not too fond of this...)

SOFT BUTCH: women with short hair and a butchy-like look that still have a girlish way of acting. Sometimes they’re seen as more Femme, the lines here are sort of blurry and in need of a good repainting!

FEMME: The more girly lesbians that guys “know for a fact” aren’t really gay, right? Right??? Long hair***, dresses, heels and even make up are all tools of their trade. (The most girly girl being known as LIPSTICK LESBIANS).

***Really if you think about it, the category you fall into has a lot to do with hair! Short = Butch, long = Femme and mullet = Just Plain Wrong!

ANDROGENOUS: Usually used to describe a woman who looks very boyish. Often the short hair, slim bodied, T-shirt and sneakers variety. Personally I think they’re gorgeous but I’m biased to my wife so there you go! ^_^

BISEXUAL: A bisexual is any woman who also sleeps with men. When guys say, “Hey can I join / watch you two ladies?” he should be hoping like mad they are bisexual as genuine lesbians tend to then make faces similar to that of someone who has stepped in something too horrifying for words!

LONE STAR: A lone star lesbian is, first off, not a lesbian from Texas! They are women who’ve only had one girlfriend. Either it’s her first relationship ever or her first girlfriend since before being with guys.

GOLD STAR: Gold Star Lesbians are women who have never "experimented" with men. We knew straight (or not so straight actually...) away that we were into girls and the guys could go snog badgers for all we care. (Except the Greenpeace sort that aren’t keen on people doing things like that...) Gold Star lesbians tend to be very smug, mostly because we’re so damn cool!

And here are a few myths busted just to make you seem like an expert! God I should be charging for this!

1. Few lesbians hate men – sure the militant feminists do but they hate everyone! I’ve found more straight girls tend to hate guys then we do! I suspect it’s because they have to sleep with them and put up with their kak, while we get a “get out of jail free” pass.

2. Few lesbians are sexually abused – People love this one, I often get asked, “So what guy hurt you to make you this way?” And they seem dead disappointed when I mention the worst abuse I’ve ever had is my brother pulling my hair in a fight over He-man dolls (which I won). And if you think about it, if every woman who’s been sexually harassed by a bloke were to go gay, there’d be damn few straight ones left!

3. Lesbians don’t need toys for sex – Again guys mostly seem to think we need huge, T-Rex, glow in the dark strap-ons for a good love life. Mostly we just use what god gave us and leave the toys to those who wish to experiment. I often find that guys who find this hard to believe either watch too much porn or have no real knowledge of the female body.

4. You can become straight if you have the right man – Does that mean guys can become gay if they have the right man too? Why not go try and get back to me on that one...

TADA!! My goodness, look at all the stuff you’ve learnt today! Jo – educating the nation!


Monday, March 29, 2010

No Beading about the Bush!

My my, you do learn something new everyday! (And usually you forget it the next day but let’s not veer off the subject...)

We went to the Hobbytech expo thingamabob that was held at a Hall near us.
(For the life of me I cannot remember how to spell the name of the Hall and I only ever walk past it every day! Pay attention Jo!)

Basically it’s a show, held on a random weekend once a year, that encompasses various tables / stalls showing off their wares on what hobbies you might be interested in and clubs you might like to join. There are many of these shows around Gauteng but, unlike most, this one actually had many and varied hobbies to look at and choose from! (The majority we’ve been to have basically been nothing but shrines to beading and scrap-booking! Take away all the tables that are repetitive and you might have one lone stall with some limber aunties showing you their yoga stuff…)

But again this year the expo didn’t disappoint and we left with a zillion (plus minus) pamphlets on a wide range of subjects from glass slumping, to making miniatures to things I can’t even remember but sounded good at the time.

There were quilting stalls, beading and scrap-booking (of course), artist stalls, model train builders, plant fundis, plane fundis, drumming experts and even a few tables that looked like their hobby was basically selling junk at a Hobby Expo!

With watching TV, playing video games and getting drunk as the three main hobbies of the ordinary South African (And that’s just the kids...) it’s nice to see that there are still people out there doing all these entertaining things. With stress, and children (Though those two are frequently the same thing) and a busy life, it’s still nice to make time (And you will make time Dammit!) for something fun and enjoyable to do that is your very own, unique (unless it’s beading or scrap-booking) interest. Everyone needs a hobby or two, don’t you think?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

A pleasure to eat you!

I love raw mushrooms. The older and funkier the better! This has been a source of much amusement for the women who work as fruit shop tellers who still to this day, 2 years later, love to ask me, “So do you eat it like that? So you don’t eat meat??” To them this is just thrilling! (Which admittedly in a job like that is about all the action they’re likely to see), but to them the idea of someone not eating meat is just madness!

It makes you wonder doesn’t it though? We’re all human beings, and yet the things we eat vary so wildly from person to person, let alone from culture to culture. Us non-meat eaters aside, isn’t it amazing what will be eaten, given half a chance?

I mean no one I know would eat Smalahove ( A dish where the skin and fleece of a sheep’s head is torched, the brain removed, and the head then salted, smoked or dried, then boiled for about 3 hours and served with mashed rutabaga and potatoes ), but to Norwegians its a very popular dish! Lets face it mutton is mutton, but the second it’s on a head suddenly everyone’s wonder what the ‘Chicken Dish of the Day’ is instead!

Or another sheepy dish my ancestors ate that I wouldn’t touched with a long electric prod, let alone a fork, is Haggis – made of a sheep’s heart, liver and lungs, minced with onion, oatmeal and a variety of spices and then stuffed into the sheep’s stomach and simmered to a juicy finish!
(Waiter! Where the hell’s our Chicken already??)

Ironically though I find a lot of people the world over will eat and enjoy something they’d never consider putting in their mouths if you conveniently forget to mention what it is exactly…
Why yes it’s beef…. Kinda….well….boy bulls have them anyway…. So, want some more beans with that?

The fact is if it’s an animal there’s probably someone out there who’ll happily eat it. Heck where as most westerners will eat beef happily, to Hindu’s that’s a big religious no-no – how could you??! But then we turn around and point at some Asian cultures that eat cat and dog and hiss and boo them royally. (They might then go, “Haha! You eat processed cheese! Fools!”)
It’s a merry little circle.

From cows and chickens to horses and dolphins, snotty looking snails to deadly puffer fish, to rabbits, guinea pigs and regular pigs. The human omnivore eats them all! Nom nom nom!

Anyway it was just a thought I was having, the strangeness of the human creature and its diet.
I’m off to eat my suddenly extra nice seeming, innocent little mushrooms! Enjoy your lunch, whatever it might be (or what ever it might have been!)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Me and my Drum!

Saturday evening saw us on the back of the bike again, winging our way to a drumming session! It was the first time we’d ever been to one and we didn’t know what to expect but we were quiet keen nonetheless! I think there is something deeply embedded in the human genome that makes thumping things rhythmically a very enjoyable pass time! (Minds out the gutter people!)

Luckily we found the place we had to go relatively easily. Last time we were planning on drumming we got so hopelessly lost that we eventually ended up going home. See, you have to hold the event somewhere the neighbours aren’t going to kick a fuss up about the noise and this usually means out in the bundus where no one bothers putting numbers on their farms and one street looks very like another – probably because it is the same street you went down 5 minutes ago and where the hell are we?!

Our friends knew the ropes, which always helps. Nothing worse then standing around thinking, what are we supposed to do? Where do we go? Or my own personal horror, Where are the bathrooms??
Then you end up wondering about aimlessly till you pay to get in and realize that you’re at the wrong event, taking part in a ceremony that requires you to sacrifice live chickens and wear body paint and a thong!
I get that a lot…

The drumming circle was a very relaxed atmosphere. There were people of all ages, children and even a goose (who didn’t drum). You can bring your own drum or rent one, which we did. (Mine had extra bits and bobs on it which made me feel like the Chosen One!) We considered taking our own drum with but the strap was so tight that one false move on the bike and there goes my arm, sliced clean off!! And let’s face it that would have impeded my drumming skills a bit…

Mostly everyone plays at their own beat and you join in if and how you please. At times this leads to some interesting music, at other times it’s a bit cacophonic, but always you’re having far too much fun to care! BAM BAM BAM!

I also got to see some interesting musical instruments. The didgeridoo was one of them. The sound is interesting but very low and tough to produce. I was told there’s a belief that women shouldn’t play it as they’d fall pregnant. (But I think this is only because when guys see a girl with her mouth working one of those long tubes they get ideas…)

The other interesting instrument was a Frog. Literally. A little wooden frog statue that you run a stick up and down to produce noises that sound like… well a frog. Granted you don’t get to use that much, not like any great movie’s sound track could be played on it (Avatar would have been a whole different movie otherwise) but it was an interesting toy and I decided then and there that I want one, just cause!

We banged away on the drums for hours! Our little group was quiet cheerful and there was much impromptu dancing (Well close enough to be called dancing), singing, wailing, laughing and the sort of inappropriate commentary that just helps add something to such events.

The only down side is intense enthusiasm tends to result in very sore hands the next day. Which makes you hope people who are reading your blog appreciate the pain you went to, to write it! ^_^

It was brilliant though! A great way to just pound out whatever feelings you have! It’s lively, entertaining and a grand night out that any can join in on. (Seriously, hand hit drum, if you can follow those instructions you’re A for Away!) So will I see you there next time?


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wow What a Wonderland!

We decided, on a bit of a whim really, to go watch Alice in wonderland. Now we don’t often go to movies, (as in ever, I feel it’s sort of a form of mild torture), and especially to new releases, (Being flattened in a stampede of over-deodranted teens and folk whose life motto seems to be “Popcorn or Bust!!!”, never really worked for us). But we had two things in our favour:-
1. IT was end of month and there’s always more month then money so we figured the seething masses might wait a bit. Add to it a public holiday this weekend – bonus!
2. It was also St. Patrick’s Day which means every alcoholic, sorry “social drinker” was out seeing how fast he could kill his brain cells, not improve them.
The cinema would be ours!!

We road to the mall on our bike. It was lovely out in the fresh open air! And Ursh isn’t the sort to ride so fast that when you get to your destination you have to pardon yourself to go to the loo so that you can pick stray bugs and small birds out your teeth!

We went to see Alice in 3-D. It’s not really my bag of chips though. Sure some floaty leaves look like they’re coming out the screen and I’m sure that’s a religious experience for some, but for me I find it makes the film very blurry and the glasses like to cut grooves in my nose that make it look like someone has only just taken off my harness!

The movie itself was Marvelous! Alice is very sassy and awfully lucky not to get a single stretch mark from all that growing and shrinking! The mad hatter was certainly a nutty fellow and his hair was almost as orange as I dye mine! The red queen (a tragic but ultimately gruesome figure), the white queen (A life loving beauty who seems to have some sort of birth defeat that requires her having to hold her arms up all the time) and the Cheshire Cat (I agree with you kitty, that was a nifty hat!) are all exquisitely done and make the movie three kinds of delicious to watch!

I did have issues with the Jabberwocky mind. They do build you up so you get all excited thinking, whatever is this monster like? And when he does appear? Well sure he’s big mean and ferocious but he does look a bit like an angry rooster who maybe fell in a vat of tar on the way over. And what was it with the posing? There’s your mortal enemy (A sharp toothpick wielded by a slim lass) and you’re too busy climbing stairs slowly and bopping things around with your wings to get down to the nitty-gritty! Now I’m sure any lady Jabberwockies’ would be swooning, you mucho thing you, but I myself would just have swooped in and used my superior size and strength to chomp Alice in two! But yeah, that’s just me…

And I’m not sure exactly why Alice goes back to “The real world”? She could live in a magical world of wondrous things, with true friends and people who genuinely love and accept her for who she is, but instead she chose to go back to mediocrity? Girl! What were you thinking?

I do thoroughly recommend the movie though; it’s a well worthy night’s entertainment!
And, if you’re lucky enough to go by bike on a cool autumn night when there’s far away lightning painting the sky and icy cold bites of stars out, then indeed you get to have you’re a little magical adventure of your own thrown in for free!


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Jovvian Haiku - Influenced by Breakfast

Sipping from my cup,
Something crunches in my mouth,
A dead bug swallowed!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Extreme Sport???

They say a journey of a 1 000 miles begins with one step. What they don’t realize though is that a journey that FEELS like a 1 000 miles begins with one watermelon!

We were on the scooter, swinging by the Fruit Shop to pick us up some nibblies for the road and do our weekly fruit shopping (An event I most enjoy because a large quantity of said fruit works its way into my belly which is most satisfying!)

We’d bought most everything we could when Ursh went off and brought back a large melon. “We’ll put it in the backpack!” she said confidently.
Now any other time I would have realized that a watermelon that big couldn’t possibly be balanced on the back of a scooter easily, but sadly a deadly mix of half hopeful optimism and half blatant greed won out and the thought was refiled for use another day.

We put everything else in the scooter’s small boot, and popped the watermelon in the backpack. (Well squeezed, yanked and shoved it in really…)
When I put the backpack on I realized suddenly that this wasn’t one of our best ideas ever… It was heavy! I’m talking HEAVY heavy! My back bent back at such an alarming degree that Yoga fanatics the world over succumbed to bitter envy!
And I was supposed to sit on a bike with this thing?

Somehow we managed to get on the bike. I found I could lean the watermelon against the back seat so that it took some weight off my back. It also meant that I was tilted at an alarming (Or amusing if you were an on-looker) angle!
“Are you ready?” asked Ursh.
And before I could reply anything more then *whimper*, we were off!

Now we live about 15 minutes from that fruit shop. 15 of the longest minutes that god has ever made!! I mean sure it was a new and interesting experience, being pinned to a scooter seat by a large watermelon at an angle that allowed me to contemplate heaven all the more, but the whole, “I’m going to die, I’m going to die!” Bit sort of ruined any meditative benefits I could have received.

To be fair Ursh wasn’t doing so hot either. My arms about her waist were extremely tight, at an odd angle and pretty much slowly crushing the life out of her as she tried to find new ways to breathe without using her lungs.

Somehow we made it to the top of the driveway, tilting alarmingly to the right on our last turn. Ursh leapt off the bike and asked me to get off. This earned her a very black look and a reminder that I couldn’t move!!
We managed to get the back pack off and the relief I felt then? Oh my goodness, it felt like I had a whole new lease on life, that I was light and fluffy and free, that I should share this wonderful feeling, maybe write a self help book, anything to express my new found joy!

“Hey look the bag fits by my feet” said Ursh, showing me the backpack placed at the foot of the scooter where she’d put it down. “I can keep it there no problem while we go down the driveway!”

We both looked at the bulging bag snuggled happily by the foot of the scooter.
There was an awkward silence as we realized the suffering that could have been prevented if we’d tried that earlier. We sheepishly puttered down the drive way, a new lesson learned.

Well one good thing came out of all of this - the melon itself really was delicious!!


Monday, March 15, 2010

Dicing with death...well, sort of...hey you weren't there!!

I was walking today, la di da da, minding my own business, head in the clouds and all those other much used, but curiously true, sayings, when my foot almost collided with a demon!

Okay it wasn’t really a demon but compared to what it actually was, perhaps a demon wouldn’t have been so bad! Because I almost stood on a…..PARKTOWN PRAWN!! *shudder*
And I don’t just mean just any of those mean ass crickets, I’m talking about a ginormous, big, huge, and bigger still, Parktown Prawn!!! < - - (Yes the kind that gets three exclamation marks without even trying!!)
When you looked at this vermin your first thought was, “Hey, where’s the saddle?” It is a testament to my day dreaming powers that I managed to miss seeing him from a mile away because, trust me, a tsunami would have been less obvious then that giant insect plonked in the middle of some poor fools driveway!

I very, very gingerly walked past it, watching it with the weariness of a hawk on caffeine in case it should suddenly jump up or twitch or, I don’t know, go ninja on me and drop me to the ground if a flying leg kick!

I sure wasn’t going to attack it. Besides being a peaceful person, I know well that PP’s are known for their ability to live through almost anything! Many a bug has scurried away from poisonings, drownings and even with half their bodies crushed beneath them! If that tsunami did hit, it would be cockroaches, politicians and Parktown Prawns that would survive!

Add to that the black liquid they squirt at you and their less then ravishing appearance and is it really any wonder even grown men scream when they find one? (And then the guys deny it and say, “It wasn’t a scream! It was just a… er …high pitched war yell, that’s right! Hell yeah!!”)

So I ended up maneuvering a nice LARGE circle about the bug. I considered taking a photo of it, but what if say, it got annoyed and told its buddies and they all came and hunted me down? That happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a cousin of mine…... I think.

I would still awfully have liked to see the faces of the home owners who came home to that puppy on their driveway! Purely for research, of course!


See? SEE??? And they're drawn like magnets to people, popping up in the garden, in the house or just scurring towards you like you're some long lost lover!!!
They're always there...............waiting..........