Okay now I don’t mean I like them as in I invite them round for tea and scones or a romantic snuggle or even that I have a secret wish to be born into the Rotting Meat Clan. I just mean that, as horror villains go, I think they have the edge, even more so then Vampires!
Now I bet you’re reading that and going, “Puh-leeze!! Vampires are like so way cooler man!” Well I have two thoughts on that. One is: why are you talking like a 12 year old girl? And the other is that: Exactly!!!
If you’re totally lost now, let me explain.
See the thing is that vampires have become too cool! Every Emo kid worth his black lipstick wants to be a vampire these days. Vampires went from being slinky creatures that fed on virgins, in the dead of night, dressed in natty spats and a suit; lethally allergic to sun, garlic and wooden splinters on to young teen-like kids with tons of power and no weaknesses at all! To top it off now, instead of melting into a satisfying puddle of ash and grease when exposed to a little UV, they end up sparkling like cheap gangsta bling! Vampires are now seen as top of the food chain, cool and swanky (though they never seem to wash their hair, why is that?)
And as far as I’m concerned that’s their fatal flaw as evil villain-villains (The cool part, not the greasy hair bit). How do you see them as fear worthy if you’re wetting your skants wanting to be one?
Now zombies… ah zombies!! They’re dead, (just like vampires – it’s their modus operandi), only unlike vamps they don’t let you forget it. They smell, they rot, they moan like a 40 year old man with tooth ache, they want to eat brains (which I hear are very nutritious) but will settle for gorging on intestines. They’re often mindless, and so slow they put the creep into creepy! Zombies are gross! Zombies are yuck! Zombies don’t get invited to parties!! No one wants to be one. They are scary!!!
I mean at least with a vampire you have the chance that he’s going to fall in love with you and live on animal blood and teach you how to mind control squirrels. Or at the very least he’ll latch onto your neck like an oversized ticked and suck all your blood out before you can gasp, “Breath mint!”
Zombies are not to be reasoned with. The evil little buggers have only one goal and that is to take you down and gobble you up without even a nice dash of mustard. Granted they are a lot less immortal then vampires and a good bullet to the brain is highly effective, but they seem to like to travel in super infectious packs that always seem to out number your ammo, which is really not a good thing if you’re not the hero of the story.
And yes, they are infectious! Once they get whatever little viruses or bugs into your system, through a love nibble that takes off your ear, you will then wake up, not a cool vampire with long hair and a sudden ability to do Ju-Jitsu, but as a mindless beast with terrible body odour, a missing arm and bite marks in embarrassing places. A vampire can meld into society, go to school, buy a deluxe coffin or even get a mortgage. Seriously who’s scared of that?
So now I’m going to go watch ‘Shaun of the dead’ once more. (Cause what goes better with the undead then humour? Vampires aren’t big on cracking smiles; they’re very anal and seldom floss). Anyone not busy reading an Anne Rice novel or swooning over Edward and his mopey bunch, why not grab some popcorn and shotgun and come join me?
^_^
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